Happy Mother’s Day

                                                                                                                                                                              

She opens her mouth with wisdom and loving instruction is on her tongue.

Proverbs 31:26

Mother’s Day weekend and early morning before my first cup of coffee the tears begin to fall. She, my mother, has been gone for so long, I often wonder if the tears come from missing her or for her missing out on what my life has become.  I long  to introduce her to my children, laugh as she kisses their newborn feet, and then cry as I tell her of the struggles I have with them as they grow older.  I want them to know her. I want to know what type of Grandmother she would have been.

I also want to give her my verbal forgiveness, for the anger and resentment, I held toward her, for leaving. She died with cancer when I was 19, left two other children under the age of adulthood and my Daddy to raise us.  

When I gave my heart to Jesus Christ, I forgave her. However, before that, as she lay dying I was angry. I remember on her last Mother’s day with us writing in her card and then verbally speaking the words to her; she just had to fight harder. “Don’t you love us? Then fight harder to beat this and stay with us?” She died just a few weeks later. I still see the smile on her face as we stood in front of her with that Mother’s Day card. I wonder if she wore a mask of motherhood when she read the words and if she was thinking, if only we could understand how tired her body was and how hard she was fighting.

I can still see the brokenness of my sister as she screamed at the graveside that our mother was afraid of the dark, and watched as Daddy went to her, I still see my baby brother of 12, sobbing weeks later in his bed over some little thing he had said to our mother and regretted with all of his young years. I felt like I had been pushed into adulthood but had no way of knowing how to heal my own wounds. I stood in the living room several weeks later and screamed at the God I knew from church but not the God I now hold in my heart. “Why?” I screamed over and over again. “If you could have healed her, why did you let her die? Answer me now!” I demanded. Then the threats began. “Answer me or I will never step foot in your church again….” Oh how I am overwhelmed with joy that God only watched as I melted down in the living room. How many times have our own children yelled in anger things they do not mean? The silence was haunting as my tantrum ended. I stood there for what felt like an eternity, expecting God to send down a burning bush and explain it all. It took years before I stepped into a church with an open heart. When I surrendered to my Savior, He began the healing process and the life of destruction I had been living was finally over.

The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18

Broken, we were all so terribly broken and I, was so angry that she would choose death over us. Twenty three years later and I still find private moments where the tears come without permission. They flow ever so violently down my face, like the aftermath of a summer storm, into an idle stream.

I have long since forgiven my mother for leaving. I understand that death has no care for what it leaves behind, especially not broken children. It was years before I stopped identifying as the young girl that lost her mother and identified as a strong survivor, saved by grace. Our God has an amazing way of healing the brokenhearted.  

For me, living is Christ and dying is gain.

Philipians 12:21

I leave you all with this on Mother’s Day weekend. Living is Christ, to do His Will and to love others, that they also may know our Savior, Jesus Christ. Dying is gain, to be in the presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ. To all you brokenhearted over the absence of your Mother this weekend, know that she has gained Christ and that we are to be as Christ, by sharing His love.

If you are fortunate to still have your mother on this earth, go to her and spend time. Don’t let life get in your way. If you harbor anger, forgive her. There is no anger worth holding on to. If your mother is with mine, find a moment to mourn for her, let the tears flow, and then remember a time that makes you laugh until your belly hurts.

Father, I life up the brokenhearted to you. Give them peace as they lay flowers on their mother’s grave or spend a few moments reflecting on her. Let us find comfort in her gain and the knowledge that great reunion will happen one day. Amen.